2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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