I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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