I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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