Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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