i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
