So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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