She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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