I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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