You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
