Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
