I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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