I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
