five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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