Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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