Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
