a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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