Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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