Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
