Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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