Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
