i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
