So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
