The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
