I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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