Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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