Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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