I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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