At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
