So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
