ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
