By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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