final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
