Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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