I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
