What did we do last night that was yellow?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
