Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
