you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
