I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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