My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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