Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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