When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
