True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
