Im at strip club and am horny
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
