things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
