it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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