I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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