my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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