sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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