K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
