Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
