So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
