Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
