Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
